“But he is a momma’s boy? Can you imagine getting married to someone like that?” — these were the words with which my friend greeted me on the phone, immediately after informing me via a text that her boyfriend had proposed to her, and that she was yet to give him an answer.
This friend was a major commitment-phobe, not because she feared she would be losing her independence by tying the knot, but because she feared the accompanying ties would complicate her life and that she would be boxed into a corner. One of her primary concerns was the kind of equation she would share with her would-be mother-in-law. Though this battle is as old as time, it is pretty universal too! In fact, Princess Diana too was said to be perturbed by the Queen’s influence in her marital life.
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While I was hearing my friend vent out her complicated feelings about her boyfriend and his family, I could only imagine the plight of the poor man. He was a thorough gentleman with strong familial ties, and although his equation with his mother veered into the aforementioned territory, there was no denying that he was the perfect boyfriend.
Thinking about him made me realize that it was a huge issue for men in our country. Since, ours is a country that lays a lot of weight on familial and community ties, a family unit which is comprised of just the wife, the husband and their kids is not promoted as the ideal, leaving men to deal with the difficult task of walking on the tight rope between their wife and their mother. Let’s take a closer look at why this happens in the first place.
Understanding Ties: Mother And Her Son
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She is the one who made his existence possible in the first place. She was his OG friend (the original), philosopher, and guide. So it should come as no surprise that the son feels forever indebted to his mother.
Since they have seen their mothers work hard and sacrifice their own pleasures for the sake of their comfort, they always try to make up for that. They also value their opinions and their views and while they may not agree with it all the time, they don’t want to disrespect them by making those differences apparent, which is why they are often accused as being momma’s boy.
Mothers on the other hand always feel responsible for their sons. They often scrutinize their choices to ensure that they are making the right ones which can come across as interference.
Understanding Ties: Husband And Wife
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If the mother gave life to him, it’s his wife who is going to be the one to share the burden of that life with him. She enters into his life as a co-captain of his family ship. The one with whom he is going to grow old and raise children. And as a co-captain, her opinions and views hold a certain value, so it’s no surprise that the man often listens to what his wife has to say. In fact, clear lines of communication are the foundation of a happy marriage.
The wife, on the other hand, feels like an outsider in an already established family unit which is why she tries very hard to establish her presence and wants to feel valued. This often gets construed as being demanding or controlling.
Resolving The Conflicts: The Way Out
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Though it does seem impossible, it is not an unresolvable situation. If you are someone who is fraught in similar domestic tension, you should keep the following pointers in mind:
- Mother: You should try and understand that even though he is your son, he is also a grown-up individual who has certain responsibilities towards his wife. Facilitate a friendly equation with your daughter-in-law, and refrain from giving unsolicited advice. This would create a more understanding equation between the two of you. Also, if you do have any issue with your daughter-in-law, try to resolve it on your own.
- Wife: Try to be respectful of his mother’s choices even if you don’t agree with them, if you have any other suggestions, volunteer them in a respectful manner. Try to respect the relationship he shares with his mother and do not pry. Last, but not least, do not ask him to choose between you and his mother.
- Husband/Son: Demarcate clear boundaries between the relationships and always speak well of them to the other. If you do feel there is some inherent tension, try to resolve it openly without pointing fingers. It would foster a sense of transparency and objectivity.
There, as long as one comes from an empathetic and understanding position, this conundrum is quite easily resolved. Do you have any other suggestions to offer? Let us know in the comments section.
The post This Happens When Indian Men Get Caught Between The Two Women In Their Lives appeared first on STYLECRAZE.